My application for the UBC Board of Governors

Last week, the BC Government appointed Stuart Belkin to be the newest member of UBC’s Board of Governors. After poking around the website of the Board Resourcing and Development Office, the arm of the provincial government that makes appointments to provincial boards, it turns out that they are always accepting applications to be a UBC Governor. Anyone can apply! So, without further ado…

To Whom it May Concern:

Please consider me to be an appointed member of the UBC Board of Governors. I feel that I am an ideal candidate for this role because I possess all of the required skills outlined in the job description, which is none. I am a proud alumnus of UBC who will act in the best interests of the university, an objective that I presume refers primarily to property values and international tuition revenue.

Regretfully, I do not have any other qualifications that would make me particularly effective or well-suited to this position, such as a net worth in the 8-9 figure range. It is my sincerest hope that this should not hamper my performance as a governor in any way or put me at any sort of disadvantage. I can form words with my mouth that will say things about other things that sound thoughtful about students and other things. Occasionally, I will authoritatively say that Board decisions are justified without giving any reasons why. I love to eat lunch and so will be able to fully participate in all of the Board’s meaningful decision-making processes.

I pledge to attend every secret meeting and to conduct all Board business using a private email address managed by my investment firm. I promise not to make more than $10,000 of in-app purchases using my university-issued iPad. I will clap whenever the word “excellence” and “UBC” are uttered in the same sentence. I will do my best to avoid contact with any rank and file members of the university, except for those individuals who somehow manage to procure a pity invite to a donor event. I promise to recognize Martha C. Piper and/or Christy Clark (as required by circumstances) as my personal lord and saviour.

Should the BRDO need further convincing about my merit, which I have been assured is the key factor in these appointments, I plan to sell my Board-issued parking pass to the highest bidder and immediately forward all the funds received to the BC Liberal Party. Finally, if you need someone to get rid of on the Board to make way for my appointment, that would be acceptable to me. Please go to the following web page and you can find Dr. Kenneth Fung’s appointment expires on February 2016.

http://bog.ubc.ca/?page_id=84

Sincerely, Neal Yonson